


Memento Mei

by booksbykahlan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Angst, Astoria is mentioned, Confessions, Fights, Fluff, Harry Potter Next Generation, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, Hate, Love, M/M, Malfoy Family Feels, Pain, Post-Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, St Mungo's Hospital, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-12-30 13:38:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12109896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksbykahlan/pseuds/booksbykahlan
Summary: Scorpius has been sitting by Albus' side, hoping he would wake up, hoping he would be okay. But when he finally awakes, everything has changed, and Scorpius finds himself in an awful position. Constantly reminded about the mistakes he has made, being separated form his boyfriend and missing his mother, he doesn't know how to cope.





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my loves!
> 
> I wrote this a while ago, and now I'm finally posting it, yay!  
> Please note that English isn't my first language. I feel quite insecure about posting stuff in English, but thought it would be a nice idea. 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He was bent forward, sitting in an uncomfortable chair, his head resting on the bed, Albus’ hand in his. Steady breathing in and out, but still not able to sleep peacefully with too many thoughts racing through his head. When there was a sudden movement next to him, he was woken from his light sleep and opened his eyes. Expectant, he looked down at the pale boy with scratches covering his face, pressed down into his pillows in the hospital bed. By now he should be used to this sight, after days next to the hospital bed, looking down at the wounded boy. But he wasn’t. He still felt his whole body tighten when he looked at Albus. His eyes closed, the eyelids moving ever so slightly as if he had a nightmare, but never opening. His skin was so light drained of every color. And the scratches on his face, red and still a little bloody, a poor contrast.

Slowly, Albus turned another half a millimeter aside, distorting his face in pain, before opening his eyes. He blinked a few times, blinded by the bright light in the room, and looked around carefully. It took a moment for him to recognize Scorpius, who was on the edge of his chair, leaning forward and shaking with excitement, nearly falling over with an unreadable expression on his face. When Albus realized Scorpius was also holding his hand, he jerked back, or at least he tried, not caring about the pain.

“Let go of me! Let go!“ His voice was weak, but never the less angry, and he snatched his hand out of Scorpius’.

After days of not hearing Albus’ voice, it felt strange to hear it again. It was the same voice as always, a little low and not quite melodic. Now it was also rough and hoarse, making Scorpius want to run and grab him a glass of water. But what made it sound not like Albus at all was the harsh, angry tone. Usually, Albus spoke in a kind voice, sometimes annoyed, but loud and angry? That’s not what Albus usually was like, not to him, not anymore.

“What are you doing here? And … what … why am I here?“

The relief that had been visible in Scorpius’ eyes once he had realized Albus had woken up, now disappeared. Instead, he only looked at Albus, shocked, uncomprehending, desperately searching for words.

“You … I … you had an accident … a few days ago … and I’m …“ He wanted to explain so much more, but Albus was already interrupting him.

“I had an accident?! Wow Scorpius, what did you do, huh? Have you gone completely crazy now?!“

From the increasing pain, Albus realized that he shouldn't get so excited, but his anger was just rising and rising, with nothing to stop it. Scorpius, on the other hand, became increasingly desperate. He didn't understand what was going on.

“What do you mean, Albus?“, he said, his voice shaking. “I didn't do anything to hurt you! Why … why would you think something like that?“

Tears were welling up in his eyes at the simple thought that Albus would really assume he had done anything to hurt him. During the last few days, he’d only been home twice, only taking a quick shower and getting some new clothes, before flooing right back to Saint Mungo’s. He simply couldn't stand being away from Albus, not in a situation like that, when he could wake up any second. All this time he had been sitting at Albus’ bed, talking to him, holding his hand. More than once he had fallen asleep on the cramped plastic chair, any whenever the Potters tried to persuade him to go home to get some sleep, he had refused. As much as he had turned down the opportunity to go get some food or some fresh air every now and then. He had been here, desperately waiting for Albus to wake up, but now that he had, he was more desperate than ever. Desperate for someone to tell him what was going on.

“I’ve not been the best of a friend since I started going out with Alice, I know that. And I’m sorry. But you messed up pretty bad yourself, Scorpius. You played Rose, you hurt Alice, you behaved like an asshole. What more you you want, Scorpius? What more do you want?“

His voice was shaking with anger, his eyes burning right into Scorpius. At the same time, his breath was coming slow. He was weak and tired, yet he didn't want Scorpius to know. “Do you want to kill me?“

There came a beeping sound from a little machine that was attached to the head of Albus’ bed, but Albus ignored it while continuing to shout at Scorpius.

“But … but … Albus …“

Tears were streaming down Scorpius’ cheeks, but he couldn't figure out what else to say. There was so much he wanted to do. He wanted to shout back at Albus to shut up, to lie still and rest, afraid his tantrum might cause him more pain. He wanted to slip in bed next to him, hold him and sleep until everything was right again. He wanted to hug him, kiss him, tell him he loved him, do all those things he hadn't been able to in the last few days. But he was in too much despair to even find a single word. Suddenly the door was pushed open, nurses and healers rushing inside, closely followed by Ginny who had been sitting in the waiting area outside the room.

“Mr. Potter, you need to calm down. Do you hear me? Getting upset is only going to harm you.“

Quickly, one of the healers was rushing over to Scorpius, looking at him with a serious expression. “How long has he been awake?“ But the blond boy just went on crying, unable to stop, and eventually, the healer turned back to Albus instead.

“Come on, please, he needs some rest. That’s whats most important right now.“ One of the nurses went to lead Scorpius out of the room, but Ginny was already there, enfolding him in her arms.

As soon as they leave the room, Harry, who had been trying to decide on sweets from the snack machine, came running towards them. “What’s wrong? What happened?“

Ginny tried to fill him in on Albus waking up and something clearly being not okay, while Scorpius was curling up the in the seat next to her, trying his best not to fall apart.

None of this made any sense. Albus behaving like he hated him like they were back to hating each other, constantly fighting and hurting each other. This was in the past and Scorpius hated as much as simply thinking back to it, let alone hearing Albus talk like that. He had been desperate for him to wake up, constantly afraid he wouldn’t. And now that he had finally came back to his conciseness he was relieved, of course, he was. Albus was awake and he was talking and hearing and moving and everything seemed to be okay. But as much as he was relieved, he couldn't bring himself to really be happy. Because something was clearly not alright. It was the fear about what Albus’ behavior could mean, that made the tears chase each other down Scorpius cheeks. But it was also the pain. The pain caused by Albus’ reaction to seeing him there, sitting by his side. The way he had backed away, jerked his hand out of Albus. The look on Albus’ face, confusion, anger, some kind of disgust. And the words he had said. Him not wanting Scorpius there, even thinking he was responsible for his accident. He wanted to be happy because after all, Albus was awake and his health was all that mattered. But he couldn’t. He couldn't be happy about Albus waking up, and it made him even more miserable.

______

Half an hour later, Ginny and Harry found themselves sitting in a little, way too bright room, Scorpius in a chair between them, as Ginny couldn't stand the thought of him tearing himself apart in the waiting room. Opposite them, with a serious, yet reassuring look on his face sits a healer.

“Now that Albus finally woke up, we’ve been able to run a few more tests. There are no severe injuries we could find. He has a few scratches on his face and right arm, and his left leg is slightly sprained.“

That’s good, Scorpius thought. A few injuries on the outside that would heal, but no severe injuries. Good news, nothing to worry about.

“However … his memory, concerning a certain period of time, seems to have … vanished. From what we can ascertain from the conversation we had with him, he seems to have no memory of anything since around January or February. We can’t be certain at this time, I’m afraid, because the only way of figuring out an exact date would be asking him, and I wouldn't suggest that. What I also can’t guarantee you is if parts of the memory will return, let alone his whole memory.”

He spoke with a calm, steady voice. Way too calm for Scorpius’ liking, who was more than just annoyed by the healer’s tone. How could he be so calm when he spoke about Albus losing his memory, about Albus not remembering. Did this guy even realize what he was saying?

“And I’d also like to ask you not to confront Albus with this. At this point, we have to be very careful not to shock him or put pressure on him, as this may influence the healing process. I know this is hard for you, but please understand that it is much much harder for your son. We have to break this to him very carefully. Every injury to the head is unique and very complex, so there is no saying what would work best. Confronting him with details of the past might bring back his memory, yes, there is a slight possibility that it may work. But most of the time, if the memory does come back, it is triggered by little things, like a familiar face or a special smell. Reporting the events of the past months to him, showing him pictures, things like that may kind of lock his memory completely.

This is all probably a lot to take in for you and I’m not sure if it even makes sense to an outsider, but to sum it up: Don't put pressure on him. Don't confront him with what he can’t remember. Most of all, just be there for him, support him, love him!“

After the healer’s monologue that seemed to drag on forever, the sudden silence in the small room felt like all the air in Scorpius lungs had been sucked out and all he wanted was to get out. Out of the room, out of the hospital, out of the world. He didn't pay attention to the questions Albus’ parents asked or to the answers they received. All he could hear were the ever same words, ringing in his ears, repeating itself over and over again. “He seems to have lost all memory from now ‘till January or February … lost all memory … January ’till February … lost … LOST“


	2. What Happened Before February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius is forced to relive a past he isn't proud of.

“I’ll quickly floo home, take a shower and come back with Lily and James,” Harry said, as he stepped out of the door to Albus’ room, closing it behind him and Ginny. 

“And don't forget to send an owl to Ron and Hermione, please!“ Harry nodded before hurrying down the corridor.

Ginny, who wished she could go home just to nap for a good hour, took a deep breath before approaching Scorpius. He was once again was sitting in the little waiting area across from Albus’ room. “May I?“

He looked up, startled. It was quite obvious he hadn't noticed them coming out of the room. He’d been too busy with his thoughts. Worries, more like.

“Sure.“ His voice was rough, his throat dry. But even swallowing multiple times wouldn’t improve this. He had cried too many times during the last few days and this was the consequence.

“So …“, Ginny started, not sure how to approach the subject. 

She’d always liked Scorpius, but she’d just started to really get to know him. After the events of their fourth year, Scorpius had visited the Potters twice during the holidays, but both times the boys had spent nearly the whole day in Albus’ room, not giving Ginny much of a chance to get to know him. But, since Scorpius had arrived for his, supposed to be two weeks stay, at the Potters this summer, everything had been different.

The first thing he and Albus had done was sit her and Harry down in the living room to tell them about their relationship. It hadn't really come as a surprise to them, the calm and confidence with which they approached the subject had amazed them. As had the fact that Draco had known for weeks. “You know … when I stayed the night at Malfoy Manor over easter, and Mr. Malfoy caught us snogging in the library, we could hardly deny it, could we?“ Albus had said, his voice casual, as if he was talking about the weather. 

And for the five days before the accident had happened, the two boys had spent most of their time with the rest of the Potters. It had been very obvious that Albus wanted Scorpius to be a part of the family, and even though she saw no need for him to try this hard, Ginny still felt touched by the thought of her son, who usually preferred spending the time on his own rather than with his family, going on day trips and playing muggle board games with his family and boyfriend, just to show Scorpius he fit in and was wanted here.

Ginny wished Harry would be better at talking, but with things the way they were, it was the better option she had this conversation with Scorpius.

“So … he’s quite fine … considering the circumstances. A bit of pain in his leg and they’re still giving him a lot of medicine for his head, which they’re planning on reducing a little each day. They also want to keep him here for at least a week, to supervise his brain activity and run some more tests. But he’s gonna be alright.“

She exhaled, her eyes on the blond boy who was looking at her with big eyes, biting down nervously on his lower lip. She knew what was going on inside of him, at least she thought she did. He was hoping for a positive answer to a certain question, a question he was too afraid to ask. But, he also didn't want to be too hopeful just in case he would get disappointed.

“And …?“, he asked, his voice shaking.

This had been the easy part of the conversation. Now she had to do it, had to disappoint him. 

“He doesn't remember anything that happened after the end of January, it’s hard to tell what the last thing he remembers is without confronting him.“

She paused, this was a lot to take in, she knew. Ginny did not know a lot of the details about their relationship, but she knew they had not been all happy and in love in January. So it had to be kind of a ‘the floor is falling out underneath his feet’ situation for Scorpius to learn this boyfriend didn't remember any part of their relationship. 

He still looked at her with the very same expression, as if he just couldn't process what she had said. Or maybe he knew there was more to come, maybe he was just bracing himself. Ginny leaned a bit closer, taking his hands in hers, trying to look as reassuring as she could.

“Scorpius, Albus seems to … well … have it in his head that … that you hate him and that he hates you. I know you to had a fight over Christmas. So …?“

She didn't want to put pressure on Scorpius. He sunk down in his chair and looked very beat up.

“You don't have to tell me. I want to make that very clear! But we don't want to confront Albus with it and … well, we thought it could be helpful to know … but …“

Scorpius withdrew his hands from Ginny’s grip, running them though his hair.  
“No, no. I’m gonna tell you. Right now, Albus hates me, and he has every right to.“

This time it was Ginny’s turn to look at Scorpius with big eyes, unbelieving. She didn't know scorpius very well, true. But, from all she knew, from their previous encounters and from the stories her children told from school, she just couldn’t imagine Scorpius ever doing anything to give someone the right to hate them. Yes, the time turner incident had been a rather bad idea, but she knew that Scorpius only got sucked into that because of Albus. And either way, their intentions had been good.

Scorpius dreaded thinking about those weeks. They were nothing he was proud of and if he got the chance he would change what had happened immediately. It was quite ironic, really, that Albus had forgotten all about their relationship but still remembered all the shit Scorpius had done.

“I will tell you, but please, don't interrupt me. And know this is a lot to take in and at certain points you’ll probably want to shout at me, but please don’t. Not until I have finished. If I tell you, I have to get it out all in one go. If I have to stop then I’ll probably lose all my nerve.“

His voice was shaking along with his whole body. He hated thinking about it, let alone talking about it. The only person with whom he had talked about this was Rose and this was back while it was all happening. Reliving it now felt nearly as awful as he had felt back than. But Albus probably felt a lot worse and after all, he had messed it all up so it was his responsibility.

“You know of the Christmas dance, right? As soon as it got announced, Albus and I decided we didn't want to do the whole asking girls out stuff. So, we decided we’d both go without dates and instead go together, as pals. But about a week before Alice, a girl form Hufflepuff, who … oh, you probably know all about Alice. Well, they’d been spending some time together since the end of November and a week before the dance, she asked him to be her date. She said she’s been waiting for him to ask her out, but had now decided to take matters in her own hands.

Of course he said yes, after all, he's a gentleman. Which ended in Rose being my date. Like us, she didn’t want to go with someone because she’s Rose and she’s independent and for about a hundred other reasons I don’t remember. But she’d know about my feelings for Albus for some time and insisted on being my date to, and I quote ‘show him what he’s missing out at.’ 

Well … long story short, her plan didn't work out. The evening ended in Albus and me having a massive fight. He accused me of leading Rose on. Stuff like, he knows I’m long over her, so asking her to go be my date because I otherwise had to go alone was insensitive, that taking someone to a dance does have meaning, you don't just do it because you don't want to be alone and feel like a loser. 

At this point I had heard enough because that clearly meant him taking Alice had meaning, too. I wanted to leave, but he wouldn't let me. He grabbed my sleeve, clearly he wanted to continue shouting at me. I just wanted to get away, I didn’t want to hurt him, I promise, I just wanted to tear my arm away, but in the process, Albus lost his balance and fell down a couple of stairs. I guess you know about that because the next time I saw him was the day after, at the platform, his arm in a sling and Alice carrying his bag.

I sent him an owl at Christmas, apologizing, but never got a reply. Then, when we got back to school, I tried to apologize again and get back to being friends. No success, it just ended in another fight. We went without talking for about two weeks, it must have been around the end of January. Some nights I just couldn't stand it any longer. 

I knew that Albus was always the last one to come back from Quidditch practices, so I went down and waited near the pitch ‘till everyone expect him had come out of the changing rooms. 

I don’t know why they didn't even close the door … I mean, we’re in year six, and they’ve been kind of seeing each other since before the dance … I just didn't expect her to be there …”

It was the first time since he had started his monologue that he was stumbling over his words. It was that picture, that picture in his head that was making him lose track of what he wanted to say. He hadn't thought about it for a long time. But knowing this was probably one of the last things Albus could remember made it even more vivid. Even though it was long in the past, the thought about that night still made him feel awful. It made him feel this little sting, a mix of jealousy and pain. It made him want to forget, but he was sure he never would. 

“I walked in on them … well they … erm …“

He didn’t know how to word it. You don’t really want to go around telling your friends’ parent that you caught them having sex, in the changing rooms. That’s definitely nothing you want to talk to parents about, either your own or someone else's. Plus it’s probably something that no parent wants to hear. So he gave up his attempt to put into words what he saw and just continued with what happened after.

“Albus saw me, Alice didn’t. But he …”

Again he lost track of what he wanted to say. Albus’ expression as he had spotted Scorpius was nothing he could easily forget. Now Scorpius knew that the reason for the emptiness in Albus eyes had been the fact that he had no feelings for Alice, not in that way. That he didn't take any pleasure in having sex with her. That he did it, but didn't feel it. But at that time he had thought it was because of him, because Albus didn't have any feelings left for him, not even in the terms of friendship. He had thought Albus was done with him, forever.

“So I went back to the castle and on entering the common room, I let it slip. I know it was wrong and I’m so sorry I did it. But I was hurt and angry and somewhat jealous and I wanted to take revenge and most of all I thought that if people knew Albus Potter had sex with his Hufflepuff girlfriend in the changing rooms, they would talk about it. And the more people would talk about it, the more it would become real. And I thought that would help me accept it. Accept that I’ve lost my best friend and the boy I was deeply in love with. I thought it would make me see that I’m in love with what can never be. And that seeing it would mean it would stop hurting. 

But it didn’t. 

And it ended in yet another fight. Alice was anxious about everyone knowing. I hadn’t thought that far, but she really suffered from it. Of course that made Albus even more furious with me. Well … in the end we made up, as you know. But Albus doesn't know that. Not any more.”

He hadn’t realized he had started crying, but he must have at some point because his eyes were burning and tears were running down his cheeks. Those one and a half months had been awful - what was even more awful was that all of what had happened was entirely his fault. And what was even more awful than that was the face that Albus thought it had just happened recently. His last memories about Scorpius were horrible. He had hurt Albus in all ways possible and that was all Albus knew. 

He had once been successful in apologizing, explaining, making up. He didn't know if he would be able to do it again. If he was honest with himself, he hadn't deserved forgiveness the first time. He still didn't deserve it. It had been Albus’ ability to always see the good in others that had made him give Scorpius another chance. But right now, Albus hated him, he even thought Scorpius had been trying to kill him. Maybe he didn't even remember ever being in love with Scorpius.

Ginny was reaching for his hands, which made Scorpius draw back to reality immediately. It was as if wakening from a dream, a horrible nightmare, just to realize that reality was even more fucked up. He had nearly forgotten about Ginny being there. And he didn’t feel worthy her comfort. 

“Scorpius, hey …“, she said, reaching for his hand again, this time with success.

“I cant say its a nice story you just told me. Or that I’m happy with what you did. But it’s part of your history. Yours and Albus’. And as that, it’s in your past. You both went wrong, and you both found your right way again. Together. That’s what matters.“

She smiled, encouraging. She didn't really know what to think about what Scorpius had just told her, but she knew that right now that didn't matter. She knew that right now she was sitting in a hospital with a boy that was sad and broken and the only thing he wanted was something she couldn't give him. So she decided to give him the next best thing - comfort.

Scorpius was glad she wasn't mad at him, but he also thought he didn't deserve her kindness. He felt her arms around him, hugging him tight and cradling him carefully. It took him a moment to give in to her, but when he did, it felt good. 

It made him wonder what it would be like to still have a mother. Would Astoria understand what he had done? Or would she’d been mad at him? She probably would have been disappointed but, in the end she would’ve understood. Would he have talked to her about his broken heart? Let her mend it with hugs and kisses and the comfort only a mother could give? Would she have been as strict as Draco, always wanting him to come home, not liking the thought of him staying at Saint Mungo’s for days? She probably would’ve. She would probably be worried about him breaking apart, wanting him to eat and sleep, wanting to protect him. But just as Draco, she would have given up sooner or later, realizing that there was no one, not even her, who could keep him away from Albus. 

He wondered what it would be like if Astoria would still be alive, if she would be here to comfort him right now. And even though it pained him that she wasn’t it also felt good to have someone else give this motherly support to him right now. He even wanted to return her smile but, just as if someone had pushed down a switch, he broke in tears again. 

“You might be right“, he mumbled between sobs. “It might be in our past. But right now, for Albus, it’s his present.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! xxx  
> Be prepared for some fighting ...


	3. After Sex Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius remembers an awful fight with Albus. A fight that leaves him broken. Makes him long for his Mum. And makes him doubt himself.

_He heard him even before he came storming through the door, and he was shouting at him even before he could throw the door shut._

_“What’s wrong with you, Scorpius? Why are you such an asshole? You are a fucking asshole! We have a fight going on, I know. But this? This is a new level, Scorpius! And I just don't get it! Over the last few weeks, I’ve really missed you. And I hoped we, somehow, could make up eventually. But it seems you don't have any interest in that. And the fact that I missed you, that clearly was a mistake. Because the Scorpius I miss would never, NEVER do such a thing!“_

_Albus doesn't even taken a break to draw a breath, he just stands there, shouting away at him, gesturing wildly. Scorpius had prayed for him to stop, but now that he did, he doesn't know what to do. He just sits there, on the edge of his bed, looking at Albus. Albus looks angry and disappointed. His cheeks are red and Scorpius wonders if he is the reason for that, making Albus angry, or if it had been Alice, making Albus come. He notices that Albus’ hair is wet, he must have showered. Together with Alice, possibly. And there is a scratch on his collarbone, only visible because from all the gesturing, his shirt has slipped off to one side. And again Scorpius finds himself wondering if Alice is responsible for this. He shakes his head slightly, forbidding himself to think about this, at least for now. Albus is still waiting for an answer, looming over him, now looking a bit annoyed._

_But there is nothing he can say, not really. He knows he messed up pretty bad. He hadn't thought this through. He had been and still is angry and sad and some sort of jealous. And he wants everyone to know and talk. As some sort of confronting therapy. But he can hardly tell Albus that. He knows, had it been another person Scorpius was in love with, who didn't love him back, Albus would understand. But this? He has kept this a secret for so long, he can't let it get out now. The whole situation with Albus is bad, but if he has to explain why he did it then he has to explain that he is in love with him and that would make everything even worse. So he just sits there, looking at Albus, studying his face as he grows more and more impatient. After what feels like an eternity, Scorpius stands up, deciding he can’t do this any longer. He needs to get out of here, fast._

_But Albus grabs him by the arm, stopping him from getting even close to the door._

_It is an indescribable sensation that hits him. He can't even remember when Albus has touched him last. It must have been weeks ago. But this is not how Albus’ touch is supposed to feel. Those aren't his careful hands, rearranging Scorpius hair after he has ruffled though it absentminded while studying. Or Albus’ knee, bumping him under the table when Albus was bored. Or Albus’ finger tip, when he was drawing random patterns on Scorpius skin when they were relaxin in the sun by the lake, or sitting on a sofa in the common room, Scorpius studying and Albus seeking his attention._

_This is new, and Scorpius doesn't like it at all. Albus’ hand on his arm feels firm, gripping way too hard and he won't let go, even when Scorpius turned around to face him._

_“If you wanted to hurt me, congratulations Scorpius, well done! But have you ever thought about Alice? She is in tears!“, he shouts, this voice an enormous volume so close to Scorpius’ ear._

_“For years the title of the sweetest, most innocent girl has been reserved for Lily. But considering her record on boys, it doesn't really apply to her anymore. But it does to Alice! What you’d known had you at least TRIED to get to know her! And now, all of Hogwarts will be talking about us having sex. And I assume they’ll spin some crazy rumors from that, as they always do. So let me ask you again, Scorpius, what the hell is wrong with you? Why did you do this?“_

_As if knowing Scorpius won't answer, Albus just keeps on shouting at him._

_“Are you jealous? Is that it? Did it turn you on, watching how I made her groan from pleasure? Are you jealous because you had to wank on your own, after getting all hard from watching us?“_

_He knows Albus doesn't mean what he is saying, but this is getting out of control. Hearing words like this out of Albus mouth made him shiver, because this was so unlike Albus, being rude and unfair and personal. If he doesn't get out of here soon, he may explode. For the first time since Albus has stormed into their dorm, Scorpius looks into his eyes. He stares, hard. This is going to get bad, but he needs Albus to be shocked, to draw back, so that he can finally get out of here._

_“Well … she's not that innocent anymore, is she? Now that she got laid in the Quidditch changing rooms.”_

_His voice is calm, steady. He doesn't spit the words out or grin at Albus spiteful. He just says it. And it has the effect he has hoped for. Albus lets go of his arm, stepping back a few feet, as if he has burned himself on Scorpius. But he keeps looking at him. And the expression in his face is worse then anything that has happened between them. It makes Scorpius run out of the door faster then he has ever thought he was capable of running._

_All the anger has been wiped from Albus’ face. What is left is an expression that shakes Scorpius to the core, that makes him sadder than Albus shouting at him, or Albus not speaking to him for several weeks, or Albus having sex with Alice._

_Albus had given up on Scorpius._

_Tears are welling up in Scorpius’ eyes as soon as he is out of the door, and by the time he is standing in the shower, the hot water soaking him through, he is sobbing. Because Albus, his best friend, the boy he is madly, deeply in love with has finally given up on him._

_And it is his fault. He is the one responsible for all the mess he is in. The only thing Albus has done was not loving him back. And who can blame him? He is a fucking asshole, Albus is right._

_He draws his knees to his chest, holding onto them, resting his head atop. The water has long turned cold, but Scorpius doesn't feel it. All he feels is the pain that’s coming from within. When did he become so self-centered that he would hurt other people, let alone Albus, just because he is frustrated? He leans his head back against the wall, looking up into the water, not caring that it is burning in his eyes._

_“Why? Why why why?“ With every word he bangs his head against the tiles._

_Maybe this is his punishment for falling in love with Albus in the first place. For endangering his friendship._

_“Why why why?“_

_Maybe he isn't supposed to love. He is bad at loving. Instead of giving love and affection, he causes pain and hatred. Instead of creating something beautiful, he destroys the best thing he has ever had in life. He falls in love and leaves nothing more behind than insufferable pain. Where he loves, he creates a thunderstorm that leaves noting more behind than destruction._

_It had happened before, with Astoria. He had Ioved her so much. So so much. He only thing about going to Hogwarts that first September six years ago that had made him sad was that he had to leave Astoria. She had always been there for him, kept him safe, held him in her arms when he needed it, or laughed with him, that clear, ringing laugh. He had loved her so much, he still does. And yet he hadn't been able to save her. He had loved her and seen her in pain. He had watched her smile through the pain, had let her hold him when he was afraid she’d soon be gone, had let her tell him that everything would be alright. But it hadn't been true. She had died. He had loved her, and he had lost her._

_He had loved Albus, loves him still, but he had lost him, too. All that is left is Draco, and he is sure he would lose him soon enough, too. It had never been easy with Draco. He does whatever he can to keep Scorpius safe, he always has. It’s clear that he loves Scorpius, and Scorpius loves him. Yet, he was always a little bit formal, a little bit stiff. Never the less, Scorpius loves his father. Not only because he is the only family he has left. But because he knows from the little things that Draco does, just how much he loves him. And because he knows how much Astoria had loved Draco, and Draco her. He doesn't know the full details, but he knows, from both his mother and his father, that it hadn't been easy for them. But Draco had given up everything he had for Astoria. For the family they had become._

_Just the thought about it makes Scorpius realize how much he loves his father. And makes him panic that he might lose him, too. There is something wrong with him, something that makes it impossible for him to love. He wonders what it is. Not possible that it comes from not knowing how to love, because Astoria had shown him just how much she had loved him, every day of his life, until her last. It must be himself. Him, that is wrong. That is destructive and dangerous to those he loves. And now he has managed to pull Albus down with him. He has not only destroyed their friendship, but he also had hurt Albus._

_“Why why why?“_

_By the last word, the last bang against the tiles, he is so exhausted, he barely manages to lift his arm to turn off the shower._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you're enjoying this fic so far.  
> I'd love to hear what you all think, so please leave some comments.  
> Hope I didn't hurt you too much with our sad little Scorpius.  
> xxx


	4. Daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Draco try their best to help Scorpius.

“Loverboy .. Scorp! Hey Scorp!“

He woke up to a voice and someone gripping him at the shoulder. It took him some time to realize where he was: Still in the hospital, spread out on the confining plastic chairs. He wasn't sure when he’d fallen asleep. After Ginny had left him, he had tired and exhausted and lost himself in thought, in memories about a past he wasn't proud of. 

He sat up, feeling a painful stinging all up his back. 

Rose set down next to him, concerned. “Sorry I woke you, but I had to. You were moving rather strangely in your sleep and I feared you’d fall off the chairs any second.”

He could feel her eyes on him, suddenly aware of the streaks from the tears he had cried still on his face and he started rubbing his cheeks forcefully, knowing it was no use. 

“Hey …“ Rose reached for his hands, pulling them from Scorpius’ face, forcing him to look at her.

“Maybe you should go home“, she suggested, her voice soft. “Look, we’re a massive family, he won’t be alone, if that’s what you’re worried about.“

As she said it, she pointed over Scorpius’ shoulder where, at the end of the corridor, Hermione and Ron were talking to Harry.

“Ginny, James, and Lily are currently with him, and considering the state he was in when I spoke to him, that’ll probably be it for today.”

Scorpius looked from Rose to the rest of her family and back to her. His vision clouded, he looked even sadder than he had a few minutes ago, when she’d woken him from a nightmare, his face wet with tears.

“They want me to leave.” 

His voice was nothing more than a whisper. He stood up mechanically and started walking, but Rose was at his side in a second, reaching for him, making him stop. He turned around and looked at her, but it was obvious he didn't really see her. He had made up his mind already and was sliding down a spiral of dark thoughts.

“What do you mean, they want you to leave?“

He stared ahead a little longer, his thoughts consuming him and when he finally answered there was no emotion in his voice. It was obvious he had banned all feelings trying to appear strong, because the other option would be breaking apart into a million little pieces again.

“I told your aunt about everything that happened in winter, as it’s clearly the last things Albus can remember. And it’s what’s upsetting him at the moment. Your family knows what I’ve done to him and now they want me gone.“

Without hesitation Rose let go of his arm to embrace him into a hug, not intending on letting go of him anytime soon.

“I’m sorry“, she said, placing her head against his shoulder. 

“I know you feel awful about your fight and all the things you’ve done. But believe me, Aunt Ginny didn't tell anyone. Well, she probably told uncle Harry, but that’s it. When they explained Al’s situation to us, she said he had a pretty rough time with you in the winter, many fights. That’s all. She said it’s important we know where he’s standing, so we don't say the wrong things and stuff. But I promise, loverboy, no-one wants you gone.”

She released him a little so that she could look at him, still holding him by his shoulders. “In fact, when I said you’d probably need some rest, Uncle Harry wished me luck getting you to go home, saying you’ve hardly left Albus since he got here. They know you love him, Scorp. They know you care and you would do anything for him to be okay. You love him and that’s all that matters to them.“

She was just about to release him, when tears started welling up in his eyes. “It’s not, Rose … it’s not.”

He fell forward, back into her arms, and in that moment she realized just how worn out he was. She caught him, embracing him, holding him as tight as she could trying to send him the comfort she could, knowing it wouldn’t be enough. 

“It’s not, because he doesn't remember that I love him and there’s nothing I can do because we’re not supposed to confront him with what he can’t remember and it’s just so frustrating.“

Rose went on stroking his back, while trying to keep him upright. “But he’s only awake since less then twenty four hours. God knows how his condition will be tomorrow or the way after. Go home, rest, and I’ll keep you updated. I promise.“

______

“In the last … let’s say ninety-six hours he’s only been home for about two hours. Taking the floo right to Malfoy Manor, showering, maybe eating, flooing back.“

Ginny set down next to Rose looking after Harry, who was leading Scorpius to the fireplace. 

“That sounds like Scorpius,” Rose said looking at her aunt, a sad smile on her face. “I know everything. What happened between them, I mean. I was basically the only person who knew about Scorps' feelings for Al. He made some mistakes there, sure, but he didn't mean to. You know that, right? He was so broken, Aunt Ginny, I’ve never seen someone suffer from a broken heart so badly. He really loves him, you know.“

Ginny exhaled loudly, running her fingers through her hair. “I know Rose, I know. He’s spent more time here,” she pointed at the door to Albus’ room, “than Harry or me, and we’re his parents. He would sit there and hold his hand for hours, talking to him or reading him stories.“

For a few minutes they just sat there, both busy with their own thoughts.

“It’s unfair,” Rose said after a good five minutes. 

“We’re all so happy he woke up, and don't really care too much if the remembers those months or not. Because there’s been nothing important going on between Albus and any of us. So what if his memory never comes back? He won’t remember a few owls he received from you and uncle Harry, or a fight he had with James. Who cares about that, really? But for Scorpius? Those few months have changed everything for the two of them. And now that has been ripped away from him. And there’s nothing he can do.”

Ginny didn't reply, because what was there to say? Rose noticed a few silent tears running down her cheeks and she wondered if they were in sympathy for Scorpius, because he might have lost his love, or for both of them, because even if Albus couldn't remember it, he had also lost his love. And no-one could know if they would ever find it again.

____

The next time he woke up, he was lying on the sofa in the Malfoy Manor living room.

“How …?” he started, sitting up.

“You practically fell out of the fireplace. There was no way I could’ve gotten you to your room“, Draco explained.

He was sitting in a chair, a book in his lap. He clearly had been watching over him, Scorpius knew his Dad well enough. He rested his head against the sofa, trying to decide whether he should quickly take a shower and get changed, or go straight back to Saint Mungo’s, when he realized there was no light coming in though the window. 

Draco, who had followed his gaze, pointed at the big clock on the wall. “You’ve been asleep for nearly twenty four hours. You clearly needed some rest.“

Scorpius looked at the clock, just after eight pm. Panicked, he stood up, his feet tangling up in his blanket, and lost his balance. Draco was quick to steady him, sitting him back down on the sofa and sitting down beside him.

“I know you want to go right back …”

“Of course I want to! What do you think?”

The expression in Scorpius’ face made Draco’s heart ache. Panic and worry were chasing each other over Scorpius’ face, as if he couldn't decide what to feel.

“Hey …” Draco tried, his voice calm. He adjusted his sitting position so that he could face Scorpius at least a little. 

“I know you want to be there for Albus as much as possible. But there’s nothing you can do right now. Harry told me what’s going on and maybe, just maybe - you decide - it would be good to give you and him some time. Sitting outside his room won’t make his memory come back. And if it won't come back, you can still think about something to make up to for whatever it is you fought about. But that’s ifs and whens so it’s no need to worry yourself sick.“

For a moment, Draco’s eyes stopped to focus on Scorpius’. He was far away, as he reached forward to stroke his sons face absentmindedly. “I know that where you invest your love, you invest everything. You’re willing to give up your everything for Albus, am I right?“

Scorpius nodded, tears in his eyes.

“You’re just like your mother”, Draco's voice was quiet, filled with emotion. He drew Scorpius nearer, stroking his cheek, again.

“And I’m just like you, right?“ Draco laughed, a silent, sad laugh.

“Well … I can’t deny that.“

“I’ve been wondering … do you think she would have liked him? Mum?”

Draco looked at him, startled, before he began to smile.

“I’m most certain she would have. For all I know, she already did. Whenever you’d send a letter, telling us about your adventures at school, she would say how glad she was that you found such a good friend. Where I was concerned about him being a Potter, she would shut me down, saying it didn't matter who his parents were. And she was right.”

He reached for Scorpius’ hands, gripping them tight, running his thumps over the back of his hands, again and again.

“She would have loved to actually meet him, more than just a quick hello at the platform. She would have loved to meet him as you’re official boyfriend. And do you want to know why? Because he makes you so so happy. And he cares about you. He’s there for you when you need someone. She would have loved him because he’s doing what she can’t do anymore.”

They sit there for a few minutes, each of them busy with their own thoughts, Draco still running his finger over the back of Scorpius’ hand, calming both of them down with it.

“But listen, Scorpius,” he finally said, “You’re no use to Albus, in whatever condition he and his memory are in, if you’re over exhausted and practically breaking apart. 

Can we at least agree you take it a little slow? Harry said Rose would come by every day, filling you in. If there’s something urgent, they’ll send an owl. It’s just a suggestion. You can go visit any time you want. We’re just trying to find out what’s best for you, okay? And I don’t think spending days at Saint Mungo's, barely sleeping and eating, just crying and worrying .. is it.”

Scorpius didn't look convinced, Draco hadn't expected him to. Still he knew his Dad was right. And after all, with Albus hating him, he didn't really feel comfortable spending the whole day at Saint Mungo's. If his presence would upset Albus as much as it had when he’d woken up, he’d better stay as far away as possible. Even though there was nothing he wanted to do other than run right to him, hold him in his arms, and kiss him.

“But if I decide I want to go, you’ll let me, right?“

He looked at Draco with those big eyes, tired and filled with tears.

“Of course I will!” And with that Draco pulled him into his arms, hugging him tight. 

“You know I love you, don't you? Ever since your Mum left us, I’ve been trying to protect you, to keep you safe. It didn’t always work out as well as I hoped it would. Chasing you back in time, that was never a part of that plan. And I know you’re nearly grown up by now, but for me, you’ll always be my little boy. Whenever I look at you, I see you huddled up next to your Mum, hiding in our bed because you’ve had another nightmare. Sometimes I forget you’re a man now, being nearly done with school, being in a relationship, all that.  
I wish I could keep you safe forever, protect you from everything. I guess it’s time I realize that’s not possible. But I’ve been there, Scorpius. I’ve spend days after days in a hospital, giving comfort to your Mum. Everyday I spend with your Mum was worth it, even if it was only sitting by her side, holding her hand. But I know it’s not easy. I know it can wear you out, break your heart piece by piece, to see the person you love suffer. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to see Albus not remembering. I wish I could protect you from the pain it’s causing you, but I can’t.

But what I can do is comfort you.“ 

As soon as Draco had closed his arms around him, the tears Scorpius had tried to suppress were chasing each other down his face, hot and salty. “Why did we go flying? If we hadn’t, he wouldn't be in this hospital bed.“


	5. Trash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An ugly article in the Prophet and Albus not wanting to see him - hard times for Scorpius.

“There’s been another article in the Prophet today,” Rose said as she sat down on the sofa next to Scorpius.

The first time having Rose over in Malfoy Manor sitting casually with him and his Dad in their living room had seemed more then odd. Draco hadn't much helped the situation, saying how much Rose reminded him of her mother for about ten times. But now, the third evening in a row that Rose came by, it started to feel like some kind of weird routine.

“What do you mean?“ Scorpius looked at her, startled.

He hadn’t much cared about the Daily Prophet in he last few days. Since he got home from Saint Mungo's, he’d spent most of his time in the Malfoy library either keeping himself distracted reading or dwelling in memories about his time with Albus.

“It’s just been a very short note. Saying that he woke up and is fine other than an injury to the head. No details or anything. Nothing like the headline the other day.”

Rose’s explanation didn’t end in Scorpius calming down as she’d hoped, but in him looking between Rose and his Dad panicked.

“What do you mean, the other article? What headline?“ Why hadn’t he been checking the news as usual? He should have thought about it, those journalists always picked on Albus. But making a story out of him being injured, that clearly was crossing a boarder.

“I thought you’d read it the day it was in the papers,” Draco said, clearly feeling bad for not telling his son about this earlier. “Let me fetch that copy from my study.” He rushed out of the room and before Scorpius and Rose could even exchange more than two sentences he was back, handing Scorpius the paper.

_Potter-Son injured_ read the headline

 

_While for the majority of the Hogwarts students the summer break had just begun, it might be over already for Albus Potter (the Potter who - we remember - had stolen a time turner from the Ministry of Magic)_

 

“Seriously?!“ Scorpius groaned. “Are they seriously still picking on him for that time turner incident? They never seem to remember that he also helped putting Delphi into Azkaban!”

Neither Rose nor Draco answered. They both knew he was right, yet there was nothing any of them could do to stop the journalists. They seemed to love Harry and everything that had to do with him. Scorpius blew out a wave of air, sending the hair that had been falling into his face flying before continuing with the article.

 

_As a source informed us, Potter fell off his broomstick in the late hours of Thursday, while out enjoying his holiday with friends and family. Potter fell off from about fifty meters high, but instead of falling straight to the ground, he fell right into the crown of a tree, which ended in the Slytherin landing head first._

_We don’t know any details about what injuries have come to that pretty head of his, but what we do know is that he is currently in Saint Mungo's unconscious. If he will wake up, and in what condition his head will be if he does, we can only guess. What’s for sure is that Harry Potter definitely hadn’t planned on spending his days away from the ministry in Saint Mungo's._

 

“They are unbelievable! Thus is utter trash! And what do they mean by sources?”

Scorpius and Rose spent the next ten minutes complaining about the Daily Prophet and how they dared writing stuff like that before Rose finally filled him in on how things were going at Saint Mungo's.

“The healers finished their tests today. No other damage to his head and brain other than the memory loss, which is a plus. But also, no further information on the memory loss, no way of healing it or really help to improve it other then time and patience. Which isn't really something we didn't know before.“

Scorpius sighed. Not really what the had hoped for, but he’d gotten used to his daily dose of disappointment by now. Every day he hoped to receive an owl from the Potters telling him that Albus’ memory had come back or one from Rose telling him that he at least started to rememberer things. And everyday -nothing. Again and again he tried to brace himself saying it would be okay. But it wasn’t. There always was that sting deep down, the disappointment that made it harder to keep his hopes up with every passing day.

“Aunt Ginny said from tomorrow on she’ll allow more visitors. It’s been only close family ‘till now, not even my grandparents were allowed in. From tomorrow on that’s changing, also everyone’ll get clear instructions on how to behave, what the last thing Al can remember is and stuff like that.“

Scorpius just sat there listening, as he’d done the two previous nights. There was only so much he could say.

“Tomorrow my grandparents are coming in for the weekend, it will be the whole of the French-Clan. Maybe it’ll help him, you know, keep him busy.”

Scorpius nodded. It probably was a good idea he just wished he could be there, too. He knew he could, no one would keep him from coming to visit. But what good would it be? For all they knew, Albus hated him, and wouldn't be happy at all to see him. And Albus being happy was all that mattered, now more than ever.

It was hard staying away. And it got harder with every passing day, hour even. He wanted to be there for Albus when he needed someone and he was sure he was needing someone right now. Lying in a hospital bed all day long, probably still being in pain, knowing something is wrong with your memory, who wouldn’t need someone to stand by your side, to be with you through something like this. But he knew well enough that, even if Albus needed someone, it wasn't him. Not now.

But he missed him, he missed him terribly. And not only did the missing part make him sad, but also the fact that he couldn't be there for Albus when he needed someone to be by his side. It felt like he had failed him and he probably had, thinking that he had messed up in winter. If all those fights hadn't happened in the first place then there would be nothing to make Albus hate him. There wouldn't be anything to keep Scorpius away from him.

“And a week from today, he’ll probably be back home.”

Scorpius smiled, because Rose smiled, because it was the right thing to go, even though he didn’t feel it, not really. They sat there in silence for a bit. Scorpius lost in thought, Draco looking at him worried and Rose deciding whether or not to tell Scorpius.

“So …” she finally said, “He’s been asking about you today.“

Scorpius shot up, suddenly hopeful and positive, completely different than just a second before. This was what she had feared that he would be all hopeful and she’d have to disappoint him.

“He’s been in the park with Aunt Ginny, Lily and me. We’ve been talking about if there was anyone from school he’d like to have visit. Aunt Ginny suggested you and Al said that you hated him these days. You wouldn't want to. Then Lily reminded him that it had been you who was with him when he had woken up. And he got all angry. Asking why you even were there, why it hadn't been one of us and who had told you about the accident.“

Scorpius had gone completely white. Draco, who had been sitting with his chair against the wall, moved closer towards him, taking his hand to at least offer some sort of comfort.

“What did you say?” Scorpius asked, his voice shaking despite the attempt to hide it.

“Well … I said that Aunt Ginny had send you an owl not knowing you were in kind of a fight. He obviously knows he’s lost his memory, we told him that he’s missing a few months, we could barely pretend it’s still January. We just didn’t tel him what it is he can’t remember, so we said Aunt Ginny told you and that you came. He was more than just surprised but …”

She looked from Scorpius to Draco and back to Scorpius, unsure of how much truth was good for the blond boy.

“But what, Rose? What happened?“ Scorpius moved around on the sofa, gripping Draco's hand tight, as if to brace himself against the ugly truth he knew was coming.

“He said he was happy you haven't come back since the day he woke up. He said that it was nice to know you were there when his life was in danger, knowing you at least cared as much. But just because he nearly died didn't mean everything that had happened was water under the bridge.“

She looked at him sadly. How he breathed heavy to keeping himself from crying, how he held onto his Dads hand because he knew that he needed it, how his eyes were pinned to his feet, not able to look at her.

“I’m sorry, Scorpius. I’m so so sorry!“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters title is dedicated to a special group of people. A group of people I met thanks to Harry Potter. A group of people who, all of them, are lovely and kind and amazingly special. You know who you are. I love you dearly!


	6. Ward Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius finds himself lying awake at night, driven crazy by the pain from missing Albus.

Long after Rose had left Scorpius was still laying awake. He was laying in the darkness of his room, his eyes open, facing the ceiling, concentrating on breathing steady before rolling onto his side, hugging himself tight, eyes squeezed shut trying to force himself to fall asleep. But he knew it was no use. Over the last three days he’d held up quite good. He’d been worried and he’d missed Albus, but he’d tried his best to suppress those feelings by keeping busy with reading and dwelling in memories.

He wanted to find as many books as possible for Albus to read. Because watching Albus read, being all absorbed in the story, that’s something Scorpius could do for hours and hours. So he sat in the library reading blurbs or single chapters to be sure the plot type was what Albus liked and every now and then he would allow himself to think back to their happy times together.

Once Rose left, he usually was exhausted and went straight to bed, reliving one of his favorite memories with Albus in his head, before he’d drift off into a dreamless sleep. But tonight, everything was different. Tonight he couldn't focus on a happy memory. He couldn't keep his fear down. The fear of Albus never remembering. Of Albus not giving him a second chance, a chance to explain, to make up. The fear of Albus shutting him out, this time forever. And most of all, he couldn't bear with the pain. It had been there since the day of the accident, always gnawing on him like a vermin, biting out little pieces of his heart one at a time. But tonight it was terrible, unbearable. The pain of missing Albus and the fear of never getting him back.

He wondered if it had felt like that when Astoria had died, if missing her had been as painful. But as much as he tried to think back to those dark days, he couldn't quite figure it out, he couldn't quite remember. If it had been this bad, he probably had blocked it out of his memory. He never knew that missing a person could be that painful. But now that he’d given up on the attempt to suppress his pain he was welcoming it, wrapping himself in it, letting the pain consume him.

He missed everything about Albus. His scent, wool mixed with ink and that aftershave he had given him for Easter. He missed the way his hair never looked quiet neat, always a bit messy, and the way Albus always was always complaining about it. He missed his smile, the many different versions of a smile Albus Potter had to offer. Scorpius knew them all. He knew that smile that was reserved only for Lily. It was a smile that made Scorpius wish he too, had siblings. He knew that smile Albus used to cover up sadness, that would fool everyone except Scorpius. He knew that smile he had right before he would break into laughter.

But his favorite was that smile that was reserved just for him. Where the right side of Albus’ mouth would twitch before his whole face would lighten up, the smile changing the whole of Albus’ face making his cheeks look all puffy, his forehead wrinkle just the tiniest bit and his eyes sparkle. And then once Albus would realize, he would bite down on his lip, embarrassed about ‘looking like a fool’. Scorpius would shake his head and say ’a lovefool, maybe’ and he would blow him a gentle kiss. And Albus would smile again, giving the same answer he always gave: ‘If that’s so, than it’s only because you made me one.’

Scorpius wriggled out of his blanket, sitting up. “The worst pain in the world,” he said to himself, his voice far away, “Is missing someone who’s still here. It’s so painful, you feel like you’re dying. But it will keep you alive to feel it break you apart day by day.”

He blinked, as if waking up from a dream, before climbing out of his bed. He didn't bother to get changed out of his pyjamas, nor did he wake up his Dad. He knew the deal was that if he decided he wanted to visit, they’d let him, but he doubted that rule applied at two am.

Five minutes later he found himself in front of the door to Albus’ room. It had been easier than he’d expected, no night nurses or healers that he had to be careful to avoid. By the time he slipped into the room he was shaking, suddenly doubting his decision of coming here. What if Albus was awake, or would wake up? What if he would shout at him again? What should he say?

But Albus had his eyes closed, breathing evenly. As quiet as possible, Scorpius crossed the room and sat down on the chair next to the bed, pulling it as near to the bed as possible. The room was dark apart from the light that came in through the window. It settled on Albus like a magic glimmer bursting out of a wand, a shining spot in the dark room. A beacon of hope, Scorpius thought and suddenly he felt tears running down his cheeks.

“I try to, you know,” he said in a whisper, not wanting to wake the sleeping boy, “To not lose hope. But it is so hard. Trying to keep hope, because it is so so painful. It’s so painful, Albus, to hear that nothing has changed, day after day.“

He covered his face in his hands, muffling the sounds and sat there crying in silence for a few minutes. He was happy Albus had woken up, he was happy he was alright. Days of not  
knowing what was to come, how Albus’ state of health would be once he’d wake had been such a massive burden for him to cary. And even though that weight had now been lifted and a part of him was happy that Albus was alright, his health status steady, there was still that selfish part of Scorpius that simply could not be happy. Because even though Albus was alive, he had still lost him.

When he looked up again, a smile on his face, he reached for Albus hand. Careful, not wanting to move to quick and wake Albus up.

“I wish you would at least remember the twelfth of February.“

___

_He had just sat down on his bed when the door to the dormitory flew open._

_“How often do I need to tell you?! Leave Rose alone! If you are jealous, use someone else!“_

_Albus is furious, his hair ruffled, his eyes dark._

_“Albus …“ he doesn’t want to fight, not any more. But he also doesn't want to explain, not yet._

_“What? What could you possibly say? Playing around with Rose to get to me, that’s low, Scorpius! That's really low! And don't look at me like that! Like you don't give a damn!“_

_Albus was shouting so loud that Scorpius feared everyone down in the common room would hear. He is pacing around in the dormitory, his arms in the air._

_“It's not what you think, it really isn’t,” was all Scorpius can bring himself to say, he is tired of this so, so tired._

_“Oh, isn't it? Well, since about two weeks ago you and her are kinda inseparable, always together between classes, hiding in the back of the library. When I ask her about it, she won't answer. So if it's not like that, Scorpius, then explain what it is like!”_

_He closes his eyes, trying to breathe steady. If he told the truth now, the whole plan he’d been working on with Rose would be for nothing. But if he doesn't tell … well Albus would just grow more and more furious and he wouldn't get a chance to act out that plan. But what if Rose was wrong? What if, after all, Albus does love Alice and really hates him? What if it isn't just pretense? What if he’d let Rose talk him into this? If it was just one of her stupid ideas, thinking Albus was in love with Scorpius? What if in the end, Scorpius would blow up his cover, by admitting his true feelings to Albus, and it would backfire? What if he would blow up his entire life with it? But he doesn't have a chance, does he? If he’s not honest with Albus now, all this fighting would get even worse, it would make everything more complicated than it already was._

_The getting Albus to listen to him part had always been the weakest part of Rose’s and his plan, and if their fight would get even worse ‘till Sunday, he probably wouldn't manage to and all would be for nothing. So it is now or never, whether he is ready or not._


	7. The Twelfth Of February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Scorpius wants is to make Albus stop. But Albus, being Albus, seems to misunderstand it all.

_“Are you deaf?! I want to …”But Albus is silenced before he can get any further. With a swift motion, Scorpius had lifted himself from his bed crossed the room to where Albus stands, gesturing wildly. Without hesitation - would he have hesitated, he wouldn't have gone through with it - he had cupped Albus’ face with his hands and placed his lips on Albus’._

_He had planned on giving him one kiss. One quick, innocent kiss. But before he can draw away he feels Albus hands around his neck, drawing him nearer. Taken aback, he lets it happen, lets Albus’ tongue part his lips while moving his hands from Albus’ face to his hair, gripping it for support._

_It is over too soon, Albus drawing back, pushing Scorpius away._

_“What the fuck?!“ The expression in his eyes frightens Scorpius, it is dark, yet unreadable._

_“Yeah … what the fuck, Albus?” Scorpius says, his voice calm, much calmer then he would have expected it to be._

_“What’s wrong with you, Scorpius? Why did you …?“ The anger in his voice dies away, his arms in the air, gesturing, stop moving. He goes to the floor, shaking._

_“Don’t tell Alice, please! I know you must be overflowing with satisfaction right now, but please …”_

_Scorpius approaches him carefully, sitting down in front of him on the floor, close enough to see that Albus is crying. He doesn't understand what is going on. This isn't going as expected yet, what had he expected? Rose being right and Albus telling him he loves him? Or Albus growing even more furious?_

_“Since when did you know? Since the dance? Or since that day you caught us having sex?“_

_Albus voice is nothing more then a whisper. It takes Scorpius by surprise how he can change from shouting like mad to being broken in such a short span of time. He wants to reach out to hold Albus, but he isn't sure if it is the right thing to do. Yet seeing him this vulnerable is nearly unbearable._

_“Albus … what …?”_

_More tears are running down the other boys face as he finally looks up, an expression in his eyes that makes Scorpius heart ache._

_“Don’t make me say it, Scorpius … please don't make me.“_

_But he has to. This is all so confusing. His whole head is spinning. He tries to wrap his brain around what Albus is saying, but he can't trust himself. Maybe this is all just wishful thinking._

_“Please.“ His voice is as gentle as could be and he tries to show Albus that he can trust him by meeting his eyes and coming a little bit closer. A new series of tears are welling up in Albus ‘eyes and his voice is shaky when he finally speaks._

_“I did what I accused you of doing. Alice is an amazing girl, but I don’t have any feelings for her, not like that. I started going out with her to keep my head and my heart from the person I really want, but can't have. I played her and used her to start fights with you. I know I behaved like I hated you and I’m not really happy with the things you did. But I don't hate you. I could never hate you, no matter what you do, no matter how much we fight. I used her to start fights with you, when the truth is that it’s you, Scorpius._

_You’re the person I want but, can’t have.“_

_During his speech, Albus had grown smaller and smaller, and by the end of it, he is hunched down in front of Scorpius, his hands covering his face, too embarrassed to look at Scorpius. The blond boy crawls even closer, bumping his leg on Albus’._

_“Listen … what you did isn't exactly good, you know that. But it’s okay, Albus. It’s all gonna be okay.”_

_Albus is shaking his head, hands still in front of his face. “It’s not. I’m a asshole. A terrible, terrible asshole.”_

_Scorpius is on the verge of crying himself, it is just too much seeing Albus like this. Careful not to make him back away again, he reaches for Albus’ hands, pulling them away from his face, forcing him to look at Scorpius._

_“It’s okay …“, he said, his voice soft, leaning closer. “I forgive you.“_

_And with that, he closes the distance between him and the broken boy in front of him, wrapping him in his arms and kissing him. It’s a careful kiss, not as wild as the one before, Albus kissing him back only barely noticeable. It’s a soft kiss, more of a hint of a kiss, yet full of longing. When they draw apart, Scorpius wouldn’t let go of Albus and after some time, Albus would open up and let Scorpius hold him properly to calm him down._

_“I don’t understand,” Albus says after a few minutes in silence._

_“Well …” Scorpius tries to explain, playing absentmindedly with Albus hair. “While you were going out with Alice, I started to realize you were… are …more than just my best friend. I grew jealous and hurt and did some stupid stuff like telling everyone what I saw that night. At some point Rose felt like she had to interfere. She said she couldn't look at the both of us being unhappy any longer, said she knew you were in love with me for ages. And then we made this plan, about how I should tell you and stuff. I didn't quite believe her, I thought it was too good to be true. But I had to risk it. Rose knew Alice would be at home this weekend for the birth of their sister, so if only you could have been a little more patient, I would have told you on Sunday.“_

_Albus moved back out of Scorpius arms to look at him. The look of surprise written all over his face and he was clearly searching for words._   
_“But … how … you ….“_

_“I think we’d both been better off being honest with each other right away,” Scorpius said with a sad smile on is face._

_Albus reached out, tracing down the outlines of Scorpius’ face. “I’m sorry.“_

_“So am I.” Scorpius reached for Albus’ hand on his face, holding it in place._

_“There are so many things I’m sorry for.”_

_This time it’s Scorpius who’s crying and Albus uses his free hand to wipe the tears from his face._

_“Don’t be. If it’s what brought us here, then it was worth it.”_

_He smiles, leaning in to kiss Scorpius but drawing back mid motion. “But Alice …” he begins, feeling too guilty to continue and turning his face away from Scorpius._

_“We’ll find a way to solve this, I promise. You didn't mean to hurt her. And people break up. Those things happen. We’ll find a way.“_

_He taps his finger against Albus’ chin, forcing him to look up. When their eyes finally met, he smiles encouraging. “I promise.”_

_Albus leans forward, resting his head agains Scorpius’ chest, exhausted._

_“Sorry for making you help clean up the mess I created. I don't deserve you, I really don’t.“_

_His voice is a whisper. Scorpius knows well enough that he is embarrassed and feeling guilty._

_“It’s a mess we created. And from now on, we’ll learn from our mistakes, okay?”_

_Albus nods, making himself a bit more comfortable. Scorpius puts his arms around him, resting his head on top of Albus’. He’s exhausted and his head is hurting, but he can't remember ever feeling more at peace. If having courage would bring him such joy then he is more then willing to work on gaining courage._

_It’s a good ten minutes before Albus speaks again. It takes Scorpius a second to realize he is speaking because he’d been certain Albus was asleep._

_“What was the plan?” he says, the words coming out of his mouth soft and slow. He’s clearly tired._

_Scorpius smiles, kissing Albus on the top of his head before answering._

_“You’ll see on Sunday.”_

_He hears Albus groan but knows he is smiling too. And he hopes it wouldn't be until very late that their roommates would come back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some fluff. I hope it didn't disappoint.


	8. The Fourteenth Of February

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius remembers their first Valentines day, the day he finally got to act out his plan.

Over the next four days, Scorpius established some kind of routine: At about midnight, he’d tiptoe down to the fireplace, careful not to wake Draco. He'd sit by Albus’s bed always making sure he wouldn't close his eyes for even one second, too afraid he could fall asleep and risk that Albus would discover him here.

At about five am he’d get back, going straight to bed. The first day Draco had asked why he’d slept so long, but after Scorpius had answered that the constant worry was wearing him out, Draco hadn't asked again. The rest of the day he’d spent in the library waiting for Rose to show up.

Today was no different. Scorpius was sitting at the window, his head resting against the glass, eyes closed, lost in a memory.

___

_“This is going to be so embarrassing“, Scorpius says, as they are turning a corner._

_“Where even are we going? And why is it embarrassing?“ Albus had asked all sort of questions since he’d woken up that morning._

_“Because it’s actually bloody romantic and well … gay,” Scorpius admits, heat rising in his cheeks._

_“Well, it’s Valentines Day, after all,” Albus giggles, nudging Scorpius in the side._   
_They walk in silence for a bit, but when they turn another corner Scorpius decides it’s time for some explanation._

_“So … Rose told me that in our second year Professor Longbottom told her about the Room Of Requirements. I guess you know all about it and how it was destroyed in the Battle. Well, it wasn’t. Or it was and kind of came back. It’s part of the castle, so we’ll probably never know really. But it’s here. It’s not as glorious as it used to be, just a small room, no furniture or anything. While it’s occupied no one else can find it or even enter. Also we doubt a lot of people know about it’s existence.“_

_Albus had stopped walking, forcing Scorpius to stop too. “She knew this for years and never told us?“_

_Scorpius turns around, laughing. “Well … we’re talking about Rose, aren't we? Come on will you?“_

_Still grinning, he takes Albus’ hand and drags him along, eager to finally reach their destination._

_“So, that’s where we’re going, right?“ Albus looks at him with excitement written all over his face._

_“But you said it’s romantic and you’re embarrassed. But it’s just an empty room.“_

_“Well …“, Scorpius says, stopping in front of a wall. “Rose and I have been working on it those two weeks you thought we were snogging.”_

_Before Albus can say another word, a door appears in front of them._

_“Close your eyes,” Scorpius says, one hand still holding Albus’ and the other on the door handle._

_Carefully, he leads Albus into the small room and closes the door. Albus is waiting patiently until finally Scorpius wraps his arms around him from behind._

_“Open your eyes“, he says, his mouth next to Albus’ ear. For a long time, Albus just stays there, not moving, not saying a word. Just taking it all in._

_The whole room is filled with pillows. They are all different sizes and colors, covering the floor. The only light is coming from a couple hundred fairy lights. They are attached to the dark wooden walls and ceiling, giving the room a magical shimmer._

_Scorpius is just starting to worry, getting all stiff fearing that, after all, it is too much, too romantic, too gay, just too much of everything. But just as he wants to apologize Albus turns around in Scorpius’ arms with tears in his eyes._

_“This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me. I’m sorry I ruined your plan.“_

_Scorpius laughs, letting go of Albus so that he can cup his face with his hands, using his thumbs to white the tears away._

_“Don’t be. At least now we can enjoy it and don't have to do all the shouty making up.“_

_“True,” Albus says, still not ale to hold back his tears._

_“Hey …“ Scorpius says, his voice soft. He moves his hands slowly from Albus’ face down his back where he put them to rest holding Albus, still keeping him far enough away to be able to look at him._

_Finally Albus looks up to meet his gaze, embarrassed. But Scorpius just smiles, just looks at him and smiles ‘till Albus mouth twitches into a smile too. It’s that smile, that typical Albus smile, the one that is just reserved for Scorpius._

_“How about part two of my plan?“_

_Albus eyebrows shoot up and Scorpius can’t help but laugh._

_“I had kind of a speech prepared. A lot of it is unnecessary now, so I’ll have to improvise, but I’d thought you might still like to hear it?“_

_Without a word Albus reaches behind his back taking both of Scorpius’ hands into his and pulling him down into the pillows with him. After they have adjusted themselves in comfortable positions, both of them stretched out on the pillows, Scorpius head resting on Albus’ chest, Albus closes his eyes. “Go for it.“_

_“You’ve always been my best friend, you know that. And I’ve always loved you in a special way. I just never realized how much until that time I saw you in the library with Alice. To be honest I feel bad about it. I only realized what I had when I had lost it. But I can’t- couldn't bear it anymore. I know it’s a risk, and that’s why I’ve kept it shut so long. Every time you asked me a what was wrong with me, I wanted to shout at you that I’m in love with you and that it’s killing me not having you. But I was too afraid. Too afraid to scare you away even more and to lose you forever. But now here we are and I know it’s just the beginning of a - hopefully - long long way we’re going together._

_But right now, I couldn't possibly be any happier. I’m in love with you and I can’t think about not having you for even once second longer.“There is silence. All Scorpius can hear is Albus breath mixed with his own while he lays there gazing up at a hundred shinning fairy lights._

_“I really admire your courage, you know?” Albus says, finally breaking the silence._

_“I’ve been in love with you for ages and I never dared saying a thing. I was way too afraid. That’s what started all this in the first place, isn’t it? I thought if I just went and dated someone, it would get easier. Because it was hella hard being around you and not having you. But I didn't realize that by going out with Alice, I’d hurt you. I’m sorry, Scorpius. I truly am.“_

_Scorpius was sitting up, pulling Albus in a sitting position too, holding his hands tight and looking him in the eyes._

_“You know,” a sad smile visible on Scorpius face, but it vanishes more and more with every word he speaks. “I’d rather not focus on the past and the mistakes we’ve made. I’d prefer if we, from now on, just be honest to each other about what we feel and anything else and focus on the future. How does that sound?“_

_Albus moves closer to him, folding his legs around Scorpius’ body, his hands around his neck._

_“I’d say“, he says leaning in so close that their lips are nearly toughing. “That sounds fantastic.“_

_With every word Albus whispers, his lips brush Scorpius’, just very briefly. Like a feather, stroking ones skin, soft and barely noticeable. But it is enough for Scorpius. Enough to make I'm lose all of his willpower. He closes his eyes, leaning in to Albus, closing the barely visible gap between their lips, wrapping his arms around Albus, pulling him even closer._

_By the time Albus playfully bites down on Scorpius’ lip, they are falling back down into the bed of pillows breaking apart just for a few seconds to laugh and to detangle their body parts before snuggling up again, Scorpius lying on his back, his hands in Albus hair pulling him down towards him. Albus on top of him, his legs next to Scorpius’ hips, hands on his chest._

_The last thing Scorpius sees are Albus’ eyes, dark in the barely lit room, the green only barely visible. The fairy lights reflecting in them, multiplying, shining down at Scorpius. He smiles, amazed. In this moment, Albus looks like he's from somewhere far away, another galaxy maybe. And then, just as Albus’ lips meet his, he closes his eyes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves!  
> This fic is slowly coming to an end. Thank you for reading so far. I hope you enjoyed our little journey though the past.  
> Please leave some feedback.  
> xxx


	9. The Ex-Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius stumbles into a happy reunion.

He was woken from his memory by the shrieking sound that only an owl could make. He opened his eyes to find one of the Potters’ owls sitting on the floor of the library.

“Hey you,” he said as he approached the owl, trying to remember her name. Hastily he managed to get the letter she was carrying off her leg, knowing it had to do with Albus. His hands shaking, he unraveled the little piece of parchment.

Scorpius - I thought it’d be best to tell you this straight away, before you find out from someone else. Albus was allowed home this morning. He asked for Alice to visit. She’s here now and I don’t know where this will lead to.  
Don’t give up, loverboy!  
Rose

___

The second he stepped out into the garden behind the Potter house he saw them. Ginny and Harry were sitting at a table, clearly in the middle of a conversation. Rose and Lily were lying in the sun wearing only bikinis, while James was walking straight towards them. But his eyes were on Albus. He was sitting on a blanket under a tree right at the end of the garden, before it would open up into the forest and next to him, lying on her back, looking up at him, her blond hair spread out around her head like a massive pillow, was Alice.

“You gotta be kidding me!”

There was no way he could hold back. He didn't think, he just acted. His voice carried around the garden. Before he had made more then ten steps towards the tree under which they were sitting, Rose was at his side, gripping him by the arm.

“Scorpius, hey …”

“What?!“ He spun around, looking at her, furious. He knew it was wrong. It was Alice’s fault, not Rose. But it felt like the worst nightmare possible. He couldn't just stand there and let it happen. 

“What do you want me to do, Rose? Sit at home while my whole world is crashing down around me? What?!”

He felt tears burning in his eyes and tried desperately to blink them away. He had cried so much already he didn't have the strength to break down now. He wanted to step around Rose and continue his way, but Harry reached them and took Scorpius by his shoulders, gentle but firm.

“Scorpius … maybe now is not the best time.“ He looked sorry. Truly sorry and sad, which made Scorpius calm down within a second.

He didn't want to make a scene. Not really. He was hurt and sad and angry, but this wasn't him. He didn't usually let this temper get the best of him. And this surely wasn't very good for Albus. How could his family explain Scorpius’ behavior to him? He suddenly felt very guilty that he hadn't thought about this before. All he had thought about was himself and his jealousy. There was a reason Albus wanted Alice here. Because, for all he knew, she was his girlfriend. In the last few hours Scorpius had often found himself wondering if Albus remembered being in love with him. After all, he only had been going out with Alice because he was in love with Scorpius and had thought this could never be. But to be fair, in those weeks of fighting, Albus had had every right to hate him, so he wouldn't blame him if he had just stopped being in love with him. And even though he hadn't loved Alive, he had always cared for her. So who was he to be mad at her or at him. He just wanted to apologize to Harry as he heard her voice from behind his back. Fragile and a little bit afraid.

“Scorpius … I’d like to talk to you. If that’s okay.“

___

They were sitting at he dining room table, Scorpius’ head buried in his hands, listening to Alice. 

“ … I didn’t volunteer to be here, I’m just doing it for Albus. You know, when he broke up with me he never actually said it, but I knew it was because of you. He said he was in love with someone else and even though the two of you tried to hide your relationship, I still knew it was you. I’m not mad at you or anything. I’ve made my peace with it, it’s all good. You’ve always been inseparable, the two of you.“

She took a break and Scorpius finally dared to look at her. He noticed that sad smile on her face and the warmth in her eyes. If only he’d given her more of a chance. But after Albus had ended his relationship with her, Alice had stopped showing up around them and soon he stopped thinking about her. Now he wished that, even though it would have been unlikely, the three of them had, somehow, become friends. 

“Listen Scorpius,” she continued, reaching over the table to hold his hand in hers. It was a gentle touch, as if she was asking him for permission. Gentle and reassuring.

“Albus knows something is wrong … I wouldn't kiss him or stuff. But he asked for me and his parents thought that a bit of normality would be good for him. And for what he remembers, I’m part of this normality.“

She broke off sighing and Scorpius noticed the far away look on her face and wondered if it was still causing her pain, playing Albus’ girlfriend knowing he didn't love her, that he never really had.

“I’m seeing someone, you know. And it feels weird being here with Albus. The same as it must feel weird for you … well, that probably doesn't really describe it … it must be very painful for you. But this isn't about you or about me, it’s about Albus. And I’m just trying to help.“

“I know“, Scorpius said, withdrawing his hand out of her grip to run his fingers through his hair, desperate. “I know.”

They sat there in silence, both of them dwelling in their own thoughts until finally Alice spoke again.

“He knows something’s wrong. Other than having lost his memory, I mean. He knows we’re hiding something from him. But it’s not my place to tell and it seems …”

She stopped mid sentence, looking past Scorpius to where the voices were coming from.

“I want to know what’s going on!“

“Albus, pease!“

“Let him go, Harry.“ 

“What’s she doing in there with him?“

“Come on, bro, calm down!““Let go off me, James! I want to know why he even dares to show up here!”

“Come on James, it’s none of our business.”

They were speaking all at once, a chaos of voices, most of them loud and angry, yet Scorpius could understand it all and each of Albus’ words felt like a knife, piercing him trough, leaving him to bleed to death. He was just getting to his feet, knowing he had better leave, when Albus appeared in the doorway closely followed by Harry and Rose. 

But Scorpius didn't take notice of them. His eyes were on Albus, who was looking right back at him. He looked tired, his green eyes small. The second he had spotted Scorpius all the anger seemed to have washed away and without it he looked like a marionette with its strings cut. Taking one breath after another, concentrated, as if it cost him all his energy to do so he stood there, hunched, his eyes not leaving Scorpius’.

It took his breath away. For the fist time in days he saw Albus awake in the light of the day this close. There was still a small scratch on his cheek and a big plaster covered most of his upper arm, but it was Albus. Exhausted, weak, and a torn expression on his face, but never the less, it was Albus. His Albus. 

He wanted to reach out to him, take his hands, pull him into a hug, holding him closer, plaster is face with kisses. But he knew he couldn’t. So he just stood there, rooted to the spot, awaiting what ever Albus was going to throw at him next. 

When he finally spoke his voice was quiet, much more gentle then Scorpius had expected. The torn expression in his face was gone, replaced by utter despair.

“I think we need to talk.”


	10. I Wish I Could Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they finally talk, Scorpius decides to do what he does best.

They were sitting on the blanket under the tree. Albus, his legs crossed, was looking directly at Scorpius, who was sitting with his back against he tree looking everywhere except at Albus.

“I know we should talk, but I can’t figure out what to say.“

He heard Albus exhale, knowing he was thinking about a reply.

“I know something happened. I don't understand what’s going on. You were at Saint Mungo’s when I woke up, you’re here now, crashing a lovely day with being furious about something, about Alice being here, I guess. Whenever I ask about you, whenever I want someone to explain, they’re quick at changing the subject. I know they don't want to upset me and I love them for trying to protect me, I really do. But this … this is driving me mad, Scorpius! I try to understand it, but I just can’t. I get if you don't want to help me, after all, were not really friends anymore. I just thought …”

He reached across to where Scorpius sat, wanting to make him look at him, but drew his hand back again, too afraid.

“I just thought that for years, we've told each other everything. So maybe …”

He trailed off when Scorpius finally turned to face him. His face was wet with tears, his eyes sad. He didn't know what to do. It pained him that Albus still thought they weren't friends anymore. But what pained him even more was the desperation in the other boy’s voice. He just wanted to know what was going on. Something that Scorpius wanted him to know, too. But there was no way to cut this short. He couldn't just say we’re boyfriends now. Albus wouldn't believe him and even if he did, it wouldn’t change a thing. He would know, but he wouldn't remember, he wouldn’t feel it. And telling him all that had happened? It would take ages and the doctors had warned them not to do it, not to confront Albus with details if the past he couldn't remember.

“Please.“ Albus was crouching nearer, sitting right in front of him now. His face was white, much lighter than it usually was. His eyes big, looking up at Scorpius, hopeful. Still, he could see the tears starting to well up. And his lips were red and torn. A clear sign that Albus had been biting down on them. He was doing it now. His lower lip was sucked in a little and he was biting down at it absentmindedly. For a brief second Scorpius closed his eyes, drawing in a long breath steadying himself. Then he opened them again, leaning forward. The last thing he saw was Albus eyes, wide with surprise. Before he placed his lips on Albus’.

It was just a brief moment, way too short. But it was Albus. His lips, soft as usual. They felt as he had remembered them, yet a thousand times better. To his surprise, Albus didn't back away.

_Albus was surprised, this had been the last thing he had expected. Yet it was a nice surprise. Scorpius’ lips on his own gelt so good. It would take him forever to describe just how good and he didn't want to waste precious time, sure Scorpius would soon draw back._

_His lips wanted to move, to kiss Scorpius back. His hands wanted to move, too. To find their way into Scorpius’ hair, gripping it, pulling him closer with it. It was nothing he had to think about, it was just something is body knew he wanted. And it cost him all his strength to stop it from happening, too afraid it would scare Scorpius away._

_When he finally did, Albus felt like he had just awoken from a dream. A wonderful dream. Awoken back into a cruel reality. There was only one explanation for this._

“That’s what happened, isn't it?“ Albus was backing away, going to the other side of the blanket, as far away from Scorpius as possible.

“You found out was in love with you. Did you tell Alice? Did you tell everyone?“

A look of panic was visible on his face. His eyes were wide open, his white skin brindled with red blotches, sweat beginning to appear on his forehead. He was gesturing wildly, his arms in the air.

“Everyone knows, right? That’s why everyone is behaving so strange!“

His voice was growing more panicked with every word he said, yet he didn't leave much of a pause for Scorpius to explain.

“Well … yes“, he finally managed to say, being interrupted by Albus once more.

“Oh my god! Oh my god!“

This was too much. Scorpius couldn't stand seeing Albus like that, fear getting the best of him.

“Would you just stop for a second,” he said, leaving his spot by the tree to sit right in front of Albus, who just wanted to begin another rant. There was only one way to shut Albus up, he knew it well enough. In situations like that when Albus had his mind made up about something he wouldn't listen to reason. No, there was only one way to shut him up now and it was something that Scorpius was more then willing to do.

He reached forward, wrapping Albus’ face, cupping it carefully, yet with force, pulling him toward him. The second he placed his lips on Albus’ he could feel the other boy relax. It had happened so many times before, Scorpius should have long gotten used to it. But he hasn't and he doubted he would ever get used to it, to the effect he was having on Albus. He had planned on giving him just another short kiss, one quick kiss to shut him up. But before he could draw back, he felt Albus’ lips pressing against his own, Albus’ hands around his neck.

Taken aback, he let it happen, let Albus’ tongue part his lips while moving his own hands from Albus’ face to his hair, gripping it for support.

_He didn't have to think. He knew exactly what he had to do, how he had to move his lips, where he had to place his hands._

_He gave a bit of a gasp as Scorpius pulled him too his lap, before folding his legs around the blond boy, coming as close as he could. He didn't have to think. Because this didn't feel new. It felt like home._

_Maybe his brain didn't remember, but his body clearly did._

When they finally broke apart, Albus sank down into Scorpius’ arms, resting his head heavy on Scorpius’ shoulder. They just sat there, holding each other, and it was he best Scorpius had felt in days. Out of an reflex, just from thinking about those days, he held Albus even closer, suddenly afraid he would draw back again.

“So …“, he finally said, afraid the question would be too much for Albus, afraid the answer would be too much for himself. “Do you remember?“

He felt Albus stiffen in hist arms, immediately regretting asking. Albus gripped his shoulder way too hard, holding on to him and leading Scorpius to push him away, just a little, to be able to look him in the eyes. He knew the answer at once, knew it from the sadness in Albus’ eyes. He tried not to look too disappointed himself, wanting to support and comfort Albus. But he couldn't stop the tears from coming.

“I don’t remember,” Albus said in a soft voice, reaching out and wiping the tears from Scorpius’ face.

“But I somehow … know. I can’t explain it. I don't remember any of it. But my body does. When you kissed me, I knew we’d done this before. I still don't remember. But I know that I love you. And that you love me.“

He looked at Scorpius, tapping his finger against his chin to make I'm look up.

“That’s a start, isn't it?“

He didn't know what to think. Albus knew, but didn't remember? This didn't really make sense, did it? But when he met Albus’ eyes, he didn't care. Albus smiled at him, that typical Albus smile, the one that was reserved only for Scorpius. It was a start, he was right. It wasn't really what Scorpius had hoped for, but it was a better then nothing.

  
“Yes.“ He kissed him quickly, just a soft kiss, not giving Albus time to kiss him back. “It’s a start.“

They were kissing and hugging and laughing and holding each other tight.

“Scorpius?” Albus said at one point, when he was resting with his head in Scorpius’ lap, the other boy leaning against the tree.

“Can you tell me what happened? Please?“

It was hard to deny Albus a wish on normal terms. When he looked at him like that, pleading, his eyes open wide, his lower lip puffed out, it was just not possible.

“I want you to know, I really do. But I want you to remember. Telling you will be like reading you a story, it wont feel like it’s actually you who I’m talking about.“

Albus reached for his face, running a finger around the outlines leaving a tickle on Scorpius’ skin.

“Just a bit? Please? The last things I can remember is fighting with you and hating you. And I don't want that. Please Scorpius.“

Scorpius inhaled loudly leaning his head against the tree entangling his fingers with Albus’.

“We had another fight. Than it all came out. That you were in love with me, and I with you. We caused a lot of chaos long the way, but we finally found our place at each others side.“

He closed his eyes, smiling. If he was honest, this time was no different from the last. There had been a lot of chaos. Chaos and tears and shouting and pain. But in the end, they were together. And that’s all that mattered.

“I wish I could remember.“

Albus voice was barely audible. He was exhausted, Scorpius knew. And he didn't blame him. He started playing with Albus’ hair again knowing it would calm him down and make him fall asleep.

“Maybe you will.“

With that, he gave Albus a kiss on the forehead before continuing to twist the thick brown strands off hair between his fingers, until long after Albus had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it ... nearly


	11. Epiloge - Real or fake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus and Scorpius have established a routine and are now full of hope, looking forward to their new year at Hogwarts.

August 31

They were lying in the garden behind the Potter house. Both of them on their backs, their hands intertwined. Scorpius was looking at the sky, watching the clouds shift forms, every now and then blocking the sun. Albus had his eyes closed, lost in thought.

“That day Lily caught us snogging by the lake. Real or fake?“

It was a routine they had established over the past couple of weeks. Whenever Albus wasn't sure if something was a real memory he would ask Scorpius about it. Most of the time the answer was fake. It had just been a dream or something Albus had made up, kind of wishful thinking, desperate to remember at least something. 

But there were a few memories that had come back. Little moments, like that time Albus had given Scorpius a water color painting of a library saying it was that time in fourth year when Scorpius had been shouting at him in the library that he had realized he was in love with his best friend. Or one of the many times whey were hiding in one of the boys beds, curtains down, snogging, laughing, kissing, holding each other.

 

A few days ago, when they were sitting in Scorpius’ room at the manor, Albus had asked him about that day Draco had found out about them.

“The day your Dad found out about us, I fell from the sofa, making your Dad burst into laugher. Real or fake?“

Scorpius had laughed at the memory, giving away the answer. 

“Indeed. We were snogging on the sofa when my Dad came in. We were just so busy, we didn’t realise he had opened the door. Until he cleared his through and we drove apart and …“

“I was just so shocked, I moved away from you panicking, falling over the edge and onto the floor.“

Again, Scorpius hadn’t been able to hold back his laugh. The memory of Albus tumbling over, hitting the floor, being all embarrassed, jet so panicked, was just way too funny.

“Dad laughed so much! I hadn’t seen him like that in a long time. It was a sight of the goods. You, sitting on the floor, panicked, all the colour drained from your face, looking at my Dad in horror. And him just standing there, laughing out loud.“

“Until he finally stopped“, Albus remembered, “coming over and giving me a hand to pull me back up.“

“You were still so afraid. You looked as if you expected him to hex you, or shout at you.“

“But he didn’t. He just looked at me, and than at you, and than back at me.“ Albus’ voice had sounded surprised, as if, now that he had remembered, he still couldn’t believe it. “He reached out and stroked my face. I would never have expected Draco Malfoy to do something like that. It was so …“

“Intense? It was a very special moment for me, you know? To witness my Dad kind of … fully accept you, as my boyfriend. To see my Dad, who’s never quite emotional, being emotional towards you. The two most important people in my life, bonding.“

He had reached for Albus, pulling him on his lap, cupping his face with his hands. He had been about to kiss him, when Albus had jerked up, grinning.

“And remember what he said when we told him not to tell my parents? ‘I know a secret that Harry Potter doesn’t know? You’re more then welcome to snog around here if that means I can keep a secret from Potter!’“

 

Now Scorpius gave himself a bit of time before answering, using it to dwell on the memory of that day Lily caught them. But when he realized Albus was getting nervous next to him, he quickly answered.

“Real,” Scorpius said, coming up on his side, locking down at Albus. 

“We’ve weren't very careful that day, were we? We were quite lucky it was Lily who caught us. She was so …”

“Furious,” Albus interrupted, grinning up at him. “She was so furious that we hadn't told her.“

They both laughed at the memory. It felt good to laugh about a shared memory, no matter how small it was. 

“She was so cute, do you remember? After she had calmed down?” Albus had his eyes squeezed nearly shut against the sun, trying to shield them with his hands.

“Not as cute as me, I hope?“

Scorpius shook his head, leaning down and giving Albus a brief kiss that the other boy rewarded him with a grin. It was one of those grins that split up his whole face, making his green eyes sparkle. Massive and careless.

“No one’s as cute as you are!“

Scorpius had spread out next to Albus again, his face skywards, thinking about what happened after they had calmed down from laughing about the memory of Draco. Albus had been sitting on his lap, his arms and legs wound tight around the blond boy, his head resting agains Scorpius’ chest. His voice had been a whisper, he’d clearly been afraid of asking the question, afraid he would embarrass himself if the answer would be fake.

“Our fist time was in the room of requirement. Real or fake?“

Scorpius had answered immediately, because he’d know how tense Albus had been.  
“Real!“ He’d nearly shouted it. He’d been so happy that Albus could remember this moment. Because it was one of the most special moments of their relationship. Not only because it was their first time, but because of how it had happened.  
Albus had surprised Scorpius with a massive bookcase in the room of requirement. They had come to the realisation that other than Rose and Hugo, no one else knew about the room, so Albus had thought it would be a nice idea to make the room a bit more personal. While most of the pillows had disappeared, some of them still were left, building a corner that was perfect for cuddles or naps. 

And when they had entered the room that day, a huge bookcase was covering half of the wall. It even was filled with some books. 

“So you can start building your own little library at Hogwarts“, Albus had said. And Scorpius hadn’t been able to hold back. He simply had to kiss him, tough him, love him. And soon they had ended up on the pile of pillows, not using it for a nap.

 

Scorpius loved remembering stuff like that.

He wondered if Albus had fallen asleep, when he suddenly spoke. Scorpius knew immediately that the grin had vanished from Albus’ face. 

“Do you think my memory will return once we’re at Hogwarts?“

The words came out quiet, barely audible. Scorpius knew what that meant. That the answer scared Albus so much he barely dared asking the question.

“I don't know,” he tried to sound as reassuring as possible, knowing Albus needed him and needed to hear some positive words.

“Maybe the rooms and scents and noises will trigger something and you will remember.“

He knew it wasn't enough. Without looking over at Albus he knew his whole body was tense, his teeth biting down on his lip, his eyes filled with worry. 

“But it doesn't matter, really,” Scorpius added, reaching for Albus’ hand, holding it tight. Carefully, he brought their intertwined hands to his mouth, blowing a gentle kiss on the back of Albus’ hand before placing them in the grass between them, not letting go.

“Because I’m planning on making a lot of new memories with you.“

It wasn't much, but it was all he had to give. And it seemed to be enough. Within seconds, Albus relaxed next to him, returning the grip on Scorpius’ hand. And when he spoke again, Scorpius knew that he was smiling.

“I’d really like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. This is the end.  
> I hope you liked the way this fic has turned out.  
> xxx

**Author's Note:**

> A special thanks goes to Mel, who I devote the works title to. I love you girl!  
> Another thanks goes to hp_mytake, who helped me so so much with my language! This work couldn't have been posted without you, thank you!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it so far. Feel free to let me know your thoughts. I'm trying to improve my English writing, so all feedback is welcome.  
> 


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